Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Counter' started by TxCajun, Apr 22, 2005.

  1. TxCajun

    TxCajun Administrator Staff Member Supporter

    Sep 7, 2004
    Texas
    A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

    He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only
    person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

    He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." ::)
     
    Pistolkitty likes this.
  2. TxCajun

    TxCajun Administrator Staff Member Supporter

    Sep 7, 2004
    Texas
    Boudreaux staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking Clotile and he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked to see in the mirror that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to find a full box of Band Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

    Boudreaux said, "Mais Cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

    "Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
     

  3. ROFL, that is great TXCajun and thanks for sharing that with us. :)

    BTW: I would hate to be that person when we go duck hunting. ;D
     
  4. TxCajun

    TxCajun Administrator Staff Member Supporter

    Sep 7, 2004
    Texas
    Speaking of hunting:

    Boudreaux & Thibodeaux got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

    The two Cajuns objected strongly. "Man, last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

    Climbing out of the wreck Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?" "Yea, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
    _________________
     
  5. Duggunitt

    Duggunitt New Member

    258
    Sep 18, 2004
    A man reads an ad in the paper selling a talking dog for $20. He goes to the address to investigate.
    Asking to see this talking dog, the owner points to the bedroom where the dog is laying on the bed watching TV.
    "So you can talk?" asks the man. "Yeah" says the dog. "What have you been doing with your life?" asks the man.
    "Well, I've been a narcotics sniffing agent with the DEA , a Search and Rescue dog with the State Police, and did a little Seeing Eye work on the side as well as my hobby of duck and pheasant retrever at some of the more prestigious hunting clubs in the USA..." says the dog.
    Very impressed at this point, the man goes back to the owner and says, "Your dog is amazing! Why are you only asking $20 for him?"
    "Because he's a BIG FAT LYER!" said the owner. ::)
     
  6. carmike442

    carmike442 New Member

    Sep 14, 2004
    Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
    Californians cross-states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
    Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and
    South Dakota , those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of
    informational guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the
    Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the
    state:

    1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
    breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going
    to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it.
    Drive it or get it out of the way.

    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we
    saw Bambi. We got over it.

    4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
    whipped... by our women.

    5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead
    catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout
    you fish for...bait.

    6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final
    approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear
    at the time.

    8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
    paid in the airport for one drink.

    9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
    rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
    and turkey.

    10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
    ice.

    11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're
    real impressed. We have quarter - million dollar combines that we use two
    weeks a year.

    12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
    it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Don't you dare honk at us.

    13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're
    a feminist. Isn't that cute.

    14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and
    caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

    15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
    Interstate 70, 80, & 90 go East& West-- Interstate 29 &35 go North & South.
    Pick one and use it accordingly.

    16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer or fishing season. It's a
    religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

    17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. You
    probably don't understand the concept.

    18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the
    fish.

    19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
    an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

    Now, welcome to the Midwest. Enjoy your visit.
     
    jimboksg likes this.
  7. adversary13

    adversary13 New Member

    549
    Sep 7, 2004
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
    As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most
    beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going
    to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago ."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
    asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that
    I have learned from my personal experiences to
    debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that
    African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
    Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
    descent who are the best. I have also discovered
    that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
    the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable
    and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't
    really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
    even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my
    friends call me Bubba."

    ;D

    -Brock
     
  8. TxCajun

    TxCajun Administrator Staff Member Supporter

    Sep 7, 2004
    Texas
    ;D ;D ;D Good one, Brock.



    DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS...........WOMEN

    WIFELY DUTIES

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
    new wives duties.

    The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he
    told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
    needed done at their home. He said that it took a couple days but on the
    third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
    and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
    given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
    the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
    but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
    the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her
    that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
    mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
    the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
    anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
    could see a little out of his left eye...Enough to fix himself a bite to
    eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
     
  9. adversary13

    adversary13 New Member

    549
    Sep 7, 2004
    this one was posted to the KTOG mailing list...


    John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
    called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to Fertilize the
    eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
    soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time, so John
    got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
    rooster was performing.

    Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
    listening to the bells.


    John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But
    on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
    John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
    bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
    cover, BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
    couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
    one.


    John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch
    became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not
    only awarded Butch the "No-Bell-Piece-Prize" but they also awarded him the
    "Pullet-surprise" as well!!

    Clearly Butch was a Politician: Who else could figure out how to win two of
    the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at
    sneaking up on the populace and screwing them?

    -Brock
     
  10. rcmodel

    rcmodel New Member

    Feb 6, 2005
    Eastern Kansas
    Subject: Groaners to start your day

    1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, yes, I'm positive..."

    3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

    4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

    5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

    7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

    8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome!." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

    9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
    said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

    10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

    11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    14. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    15. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

    16. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

    17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


    rcmodel
     
  11. TxCajun

    TxCajun Administrator Staff Member Supporter

    Sep 7, 2004
    Texas
  12. adversary13

    adversary13 New Member

    549
    Sep 7, 2004

    LOL!!!!!!! ;D
     
  13. Stumpy

    Stumpy New Member

    220
    Oct 11, 2004
    Ok, some people not familiar with Michigan might not get this,


    A woman is very depressed and wants to kill herself, so she drives onto the Mackinac bridge (Huge suspension bridge connecting the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan) and is ready to jump. Just then, a handsome sailor walks up and asks her what she's doing. She explains that she has nothing to live for here and wants to kill herself. The sailor says "Hey, we're about to set sail for France in an hour or two, you could come with me and start a new life there!"

    So the woman goes with the sailor and he stows her away on a covered life raft.

    Every night, he brings her something to heat and they bangs her. After the third week, she is discovered by the captain.


    When questioned what she's doing there, she says "The sailor is taking me to France and every night he brings me food and screws me"

    To that the captain says "Damn right he's screwing you, This is the Mackinac Island Ferry!!!"
     
  14. Packer

    Packer Banned

    May 14, 2005
    An Amish couple get married, and they are riding off to the honeymoon when the horse shies and rears up. The husband looks the horse in the eye and says: That's one!
    After awhile, the horse rears up again. He looks horse in eye and says: That's two!
    A little later, horse rears up again. Husband says: That's Three. Then he takes out rifle and shoots horse dead.
    Wife screams: What are you doing! We needed that horse! What's wrong with you?
    Husband looks her in eye and says: That's one!
    Packer.
     
  15. c0wboi

    c0wboi Guest

    ;D I think the ferry joke is the best I've ever heard. Although the first one is choice ;)


    What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

    A good start :D
     
  16. unclestu

    unclestu New Member

    101
    May 12, 2005
    OK, here's one I saw last week:

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
    The computer then prints the following:
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
    ;D
     
  17. Mike

    Mike New Member

    178
    May 21, 2005
    Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?"

    Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "hey; we have a drink named after you" and the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Irving?"
     
  18. randomguy

    randomguy New Member

    331
    Jan 29, 2005
    Panda walks into a bar. The bartender slides some peanuts his way. The panda munches for a little bit then pulls out a gun and fires a round into the ceiling. He then walks out and goes on his way. The bar patrons look at each other and say "What was that all about?" One of them finds an encyclopedia and looks up 'panda'. "Oh, this explains it," he says and points to a line--'Eats chutes and leaves.'



    Get it!!?? 'Eats, shoots, and leaves.' Sorry, I'll stop now.
     
  19. carmike442

    carmike442 New Member

    Sep 14, 2004
    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
    > inside the cemetery fence.
    >
    > One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
    > tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for
    > me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled
    > down toward the fence.
    >
    > Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
    > thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
    > investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
    > you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
    > and rode off.
    >
    > Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
    > "Come
    > here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and
    > the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
    > The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
    > When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
    > by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. "One for you, one
    > for me..."
    >
    > The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see
    > if
    > we can see the Lord."
    >
    > Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
    > to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
    > of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
    > Lord.
    >
    > At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
    > get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
    >
    > They say the old man made it back to town, a full 5 minutes ahead of the
    > boy on the bike.
    >
     
  20. carmike442

    carmike442 New Member

    Sep 14, 2004
    A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

    He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

    The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

    The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law"